


Not Ready

by clood



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, I'm so sorry, M/M, Regret, talking a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:13:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24782116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clood/pseuds/clood
Summary: “I wasn’t supposed to find Killua here today! I’m not ready to face you!” Gon looked like he wanted to reach forward, to close the distance between the two of them. Killua took two steps back.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 22
Kudos: 77





	Not Ready

It was long overdue, really, Killua noticed as he stepped onto the dock as Alluka ran off ahead. He watched as her long, black hair bounced with every step she took away from the ship and toward the green of Whale Island. 

It was long overdue and Killua was ashamed of that.

“Brother!” Alluka called, her voice distant. “If you don’t hurry, I’m leaving you behind!” 

Killua looked up, suddenly aware that he’d stopped walking, rooted to the wood of the dock. Other passengers shuffled past him, annoyed huffs escaping their lips as they bumped shoulders. Killua mumbled a weak apology as he willed himself to move, willed himself to take those necessary first steps. 

He knew Gon wasn’t here, he had investigated the island and spoken to Mito before buying himself and Alluka the tickets that had brought them to this place. No, Gon wasn’t here, and it was the only reason he was able to make the journey at all. 

“I’m coming, wait for me,” he called after his sister, who either didn’t hear him or chose not to turn back. Killua let out a soft sigh and readjusted his bag on his shoulder before following. 

He knew the path up the hill, left at the apple tree, across a small creek with the bridge that looks like it was built at least a hundred years ago. The month they’d spent here together had whirled by as Gon showed him every inch of the island, but they always took the same path back home before Mito got upset that they were late for dinner. 

The island didn’t seem to have changed at all since he was last here, all those years ago. The dock and shipyard had still smelled of fish and salt, the market beyond it was still empty save for the few regular islanders making their rounds, and the path that he walked was still worn and winding and familiar. 

He could hear the sounds of a joyous meeting, Alluka had made it up to the welcoming home he was promised would always be his. Although Alluka and Mito had never formally met, they had spoken on the phone before they arrived and Nanika had fallen in love with Mito’s soft voice. 

“Killua, finally!” Alluka shouted as he made it over the last hill to reveal Gon’s childhood home. 

“I was beginning to think you’d gotten lost,” Mito said fondly as she reached out her hand toward his advancing figure. 

Killua smiled as he took her hand in his, “I could never, not here.” 

In an instant he was pulled into a bone-crushing hug, Mito’s words getting jumbled up as she spoke directly into his chest. Killua couldn’t believe how small this woman had become in the years since he’d seen her, he had almost a foot on her and her frame was slight. 

“—should’ve visited sooner! I’ve been waiting for my boys to come home,” she cried as she pulled herself away. “Gon can’t even be bothered to write me a letter or call me on the phone, and this is the first I’ve heard from you too!” She was upset. 

“I’m sorry, I really—” Killua started, looking at his toes as his cheeks and neck burned bright red. The pang in his chest from the mention of Mito’s son was dull but ever-present, and the guilt of not visiting his adoptive mother was sharp and searing. 

“Don’t you dare,” Mito shouted, smacking him over the head with a towel that had hung on her apron. “Just get yourself and your beautiful sister inside the house right this second. We have a lot of catching up to do.” 

And just like that, Killua and Alluka were being pulled through the house’s threshold and seated at the worn kitchen table. If Killua looked closely enough he could tell where Gon used to do his homework, the ghosts of numbers and letters etched permanently into the old wood. 

Mito brought out a small cake, it was obvious it had been made specifically for this moment. The whole house smelled like freshly baked vanilla sponge and it made Killua’s heart warm. His own mother could never welcome him home with such warmth and love, could never welcome Alluka home in the same manner. 

And so, the day turned to dusk as the three sat together and Alluka and Killua recounted their years of travel until this point. Alluka spoke of bustling cities and massive shopping centers while Nanika would shyly interject with images of sparkling beaches and calm oases. Killua explained in the vaguest of terms the sorts of jobs he would take all over the world to afford the luxury that his two favorite girls deserved. It was comfortable. 

Mito didn’t ask about Gon because she knew there was nothing to say and Killua didn’t bring him up because he knew it would hurt them both. The last time he saw Gon had been that day at the World Tree, and for Mito, it had been far earlier. Years had passed with no contact, no attempt to communicate with either of them. They both supposed he was fine. 

“Alluka, would you and Nanika mind helping me with dinner?” Mito asked, turning toward the girls as she stood up. 

Nanika’s eyes flashed as she nodded enthusiastically, “’kay.” 

Killua made a move toward the kitchen but Mito stopped him before he could enter, “The three of us can manage, you can just relax until it’s time to eat.” She looked at him warmly and squeezed his shoulder before turning on her heel and joining the girls in the kitchen. 

Killua suddenly didn’t know what to do with himself. He’d never been alone on the island or inside this home.

He looked around the room and his eyes drifted from picture frame to picture frame, smiling fondly at the grins and memories they contained. He could see images of Gon as an infant in a teenaged Mito’s arms, drooling all over her apron as she looked wearily into the camera. There were endless photos of Gon in the woods or at the lake, always surrounded by wildlife and practically sparkling with glee. 

It was strange, looking at Gon’s entire life’s timeline up until they met. Sure, he’d been here before and stood where he stood now observing these same photos, but that had been before. Before he’d seen the things he’d now seen, gone through the pain of seeing the smile that he now gazed upon fade into an unmoving scowl, watched as those honey eyes faded to soulless dark pits. The child in the photos seemed foreign to him now, compared to the young man he had shared so of much of his life with.

His eyes landed on a photo of the two of them from their visit to Whale Island after Gon had gotten his Hunter license. Killua was smiling and Gon had one arm around him, looking directly into the camera and flashing his license. His eyes shone and the grin that was plastered to his face radiated joy. 

Killua shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, now was not the time to dwell. He was here to show Alluka a new place and check in on Mito, not to sulk about his past. 

He sighed as he walked through the front door and around to the garden that hid behind a tall, wooden fence. He noted one of the fenceposts needed to be redone and made a mental note to look at it closer tomorrow. 

Killua let out a breath and closed his eyes as he slumped down on a bench that was tucked between two crooked trees. A gentle breeze ruffled his hair and brought to him the smell of dinner cooking inside, some fish stew or pie most likely. 

Birds chirped in the dying sunlight and the fireflies were just starting to appear, flashing love letters to one another in the quiet evening. Killua allowed himself to relax, watching the neon flashes idly as he drifted closer and closer to sleep. 

The sweet smell of the honeysuckles nearby reminded him of the way Gon used to smell. The grass beneath his feet reminded him of that awful green getup he used to wear. The golden light of the sun reminded him of the way his eyes used to shine as they watched it dip under the horizon. 

“No,” Killua thought, stamping down those memories and tucking them back in the corner of his mind where they belonged. He knew coming here would be hard, even with Gon not physically being here. What he didn’t count on was Gon’s presence fully surrounding him from the moment he set foot on the island, Gon’s very being soaking into his skin like the warmth of the island breeze. 

Killua told himself to snap out of it and went inside for dinner. 

* * *

It was not until Nanika got tired and Mito led her up to the guest room that Killua realized how small the house actually was. Upon slowly clicking the door closed behind her, Mito shot Killua an apologetic look and led him down the hall to Gon’s old room. 

“I’m sorry,” she started once they reached the wooden door at the end of the hall that squeaked when it opened. “I hadn’t thought about this detail until you had already arrived.” 

Killua forced a smile to grace his lips and took a step inside, “Really, it’s alright. I don’t mind.” 

Mito looked like she knew better but nodded and disappeared back down the hall. It wasn’t until Killua heard her door close that he allowed himself a long, painful exhalation as he sat down on the edge of the bed. 

This was fine, really. It was just a room. Just a room that smelled jarringly familiar. Just a room with even more photos and trinkets that reminded Killua of its previous inhabitant. _This was just fine._

The shelves were neatly arranged and surprisingly free of dust. It suddenly occurred to Killua that perhaps Mito would come in, maybe once or twice a week, to straighten up and dust the bookcases. Perhaps she would also smooth down the sheets and fluff up the pillows, just on the off chance that Gon might come home to her. 

Killua sighed for what felt like the millionth time that day and turned out the light, not even bothering to change out of his dirty traveling clothes before he tentatively crawled into the twin-sized bed. 

He stared up at the glow-in-the-dark stars Gon had once haphazardly placed on the ceiling as he tried to fall asleep, wondering if those stars made up any constellation Gon could be looking at from wherever he was right now. 

It had been years since he had allowed himself to feel this much, years since the wounds on his heart had scabbed over and healed with thick scar tissue. For Alluka’s sake as much as his own, Killua had gone back to his old ways, concealing his emotions, not allowing a single drop of weakness to slip through the obvious cracks in his façade. 

There were days in the beginning when he could tell Alluka and Nanika knew something was up, but they both knew the wound was too fresh to discuss what was wrong. Over time, though, he felt he had convinced his sisters that he was okay again—hell, he could even convince himself on really good days. 

Eventually, the sharp pains that had wracked his body since that night in East Gorteau faded to a dull ache that he could force down, and he was proud of that. 

Tonight, though, he felt it all as raw and painful as it had been then.  


* * *

They spent a week together, the four of them, simply enjoying one another’s presence and the peacefulness of the island. 

Alluka had looked at Killua with sad eyes the first morning he had come downstairs for breakfast with red-tinted eyes and a tired expression but had let him come to her on his own terms. He had knocked on her door a few nights in and timidly let himself in, laying down in her bed with his head in her lap.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked, softly pushing his bangs to the side so she could see his eyes. It took a moment before Killua said anything.

“I don’t think we should’ve come,” he said, his voice cracking slightly. “He’s not here but it feels like he is. He’s in every sunbeam, his voice is in every gust of wind.” 

Alluka looked down at him, “I think this is good for you, you haven’t let yourself grieve in all this time we’ve been traveling together.” Killua’s eyes widened, had she known the whole time?

“I let you put up your happy big brother front, but I think it’s time you let yourself miss him,” she continued. Her eyes flashed black, “Big brother is sad. Big brother should feel.” 

Killua’s heart crumbled, it hurt to see his sisters distressed, especially over him. His eyes stung with frustration at himself and his stupid, repressed emotions. 

“He was your first and best friend, and I might not know what exactly happened, but I still think that you can grow from this,” Alluka said as Nanika faded back. “You’re allowed to have feelings.” 

Killua sat up slowly, “As always, you’re right.” He made his way to the doorway and paused to look back at her, “Thanks, you two.” 

As he shuffled down the hall, he heard Mito shout something through the walls. It was muffled, but he could tell she was getting worked up. He had already decided to leave it until the morning, he really didn’t want to pry, but the door swung open and Mito looked at him with wide eyes. 

“He’ll be here in the morning,” she whispered, looking as though she had seen a ghost. Killua stared at her incredulously, knowing exactly who she was talking about but not wanting her to say his name in case she spoke him into existence. 

“He’s coming home he’s, he’s getting on the next ship and will be here in the morning,” she repeated, grabbing Killua’s hands in her own. 

“We have to leave,” Killua said quickly, trying to break from Mito’s vice-like grip on his hands. “I can’t be here when he arrives.” 

Mito looked as if she suddenly remembered Killua was there at all, “My dear, there won’t be a ship leaving the island for another couple days, at the very least.” 

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Was this some sort of cosmic prank? He had come here specifically because it felt like the last place Gon would be and because he knew Mito had to have been lonely. Five years later and now is when this asshole chooses to come back?

Mito began milling about the house, completely disregarding the darkness of the hour as she began shuffling things around, moving the rugs, fluffing the couch cushions. All the while she mumbled about her ungrateful son, how he couldn’t have at least called more in advance, how she’d wring his neck the moment she saw him. Killua could see, though, that she was elated. He, however, felt like he was going to be sick.  


* * *

Killua peeked from behind the sheer white curtains that adorned the front room’s windows, the sound of his heart pounding in his chest was the only thing he could hear. 

Gon would be strolling up the final hill in a matter of moments and Killua could not be less prepared for it. He had wanted to run and hide anywhere else on this entire island but Alluka had convinced him to stay, citing his need for closure as a reason to face him. 

She was right, of course, but he still wasn’t ready.

He watched silently as Mito ran toward and practically tackled the body that rose up from behind the grassy hill, almost missing the tan skin of the person that approached. Alluka rushed forward as well, not having been wronged by Gon and therefore entitled to feel however she wanted. Not that he was bitter about that.

It looked like Mito was yelling at him, throwing her heavy, wooden clog at his head rather than smacking him with a towel as she had done to Killua. They were still on the ground as the scene unfolded before him, and Killua had yet to get a proper look at his best friend. 

His breath hitched as he watched them stand up, Gon helping Mito to her feet before enveloping her into a hug and ruffling Alluka’s hair. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. 

There stood Gon, a head or so taller than Mito. There he stood, with long, muscular limbs and tanned skin. There he stood, thick black hair sticking out at a silly angle from the assault he had received from his mom. Killua couldn’t decide how to feel about seeing him again after so long.

He looked the same, and he didn’t. 

All at once, Killua was overcome with emotion. He was filled with affection and anger, excitement and dread. He didn’t know what to do with himself, but they were all coming, and he had to steady himself, ready or not. 

He held his breath as the front door opened and he heard that beautiful, musical laughter flood the room. It stopped the moment their eyes met, cool blue meeting warm brown. 

It was like time had screeched to a halt and Killua couldn’t get it to start up again. He couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t move, and it was really all he could do to stay standing. 

“H-hello, Killua,” Gon whispered tentatively, as if he were afraid of scaring him off. 

Killua swallowed thickly, he had to respond. He had to say something, damnit, _anything._

“Hey,” he choked out, looking anywhere but his best friend. 

A thick silence hung in the air for a moment or two longer than it should have before Mito clapped her hands and shoved Gon towards the kitchen, going on and on about how she had made Gon’s favorite breakfast and how he had to eat right this very second. Alluka approached Killua in that same moment, reaching him as Gon and Mito crossed over into the other room. 

“I’m proud of you, brother,” she said softly, tucking a few stray hairs behind her ear. “You can do this.”  


* * *

The rest of the day passed by well enough, Killua avoided Gon like the plague and Mito and Alluka served to distract them both from the suffocating awkwardness that was threatening to overtake them all. 

Mito filled Gon in on the island’s happenings since his disappearance at least three times and Alluka had allowed herself to be dragged along every inch of the island. In reality, they didn’t have to be in the same room until it was time to eat again, and Killua had been determined to push that off as long as possible. 

But, of course, all things must end. Killua found himself sitting in the only chair that wobbled, directly across from Gon and all his brightness and life. He didn’t have to look at him to know that Gon was treading carefully, directing all of his comments to Mito or Alluka but allowing Killua the chance to interject if he wanted to. 

And he found himself almost wanting to. Almost. 

He could feel Gon flinch every time he heard Killua’s chair wobble and creak, which gave him a bitter sense of satisfaction. Gon gently told them of his travels, of obtaining his single star certification, all without giving away too many of the details.

Dinner seemed unending and all Gon or Killua could really hear was the sound of Killua’s chair teetering back and forth. 

Night fell as they sat around the dinner table and Killua had yet to utter a word in the direction of his best friend, choosing instead to address his sisters or Mito—and only when a question had been directed at him that couldn’t be answered with a nod or the shake of his head. It was really until Mito brought up the details of where exactly everyone was going to sleep again that Killua was at full attention. 

“Since my ungrateful son decided not to give anyone a moment’s notice that he’d be coming home, I banish you to the couch in the front room, Gon,” she said decidedly, glaring daggers at her son who sat sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Alri—” Gon started, before Killua cut him off. 

“No!” he shouted, wincing at how loudly the word had escaped his lips. 

“No,” he started again, softly. “I can take the couch. It’s his room.” He pointedly did not address Gon but instead directed his comment at Mito. 

Gon looked at Killua and mumbled, “No, she’s right. I didn’t give you all any notice, I should take the couch.” His voice sounded small as he added, “I didn’t even know you were here.” 

Killua allowed himself to glance at his best friend, immediately regretting his decision upon noticing his crumpled frame and sorry eyes. 

“Fine,” was all he said before getting up and clearing the table. He stood at the sink, washing the dishes quietly, watching Gon’s reflection in the window as he approached him. Gon didn’t say a word as he picked up a dishtowel and began to dry the clean plates and cups beside Killua. 

They worked in silence until Killua had rinsed the last of the utensils and bolted from the kitchen. He heard Gon sigh as he shut a cabinet and he ascended the stairs swiftly, escaping to Gon’s old room as quickly as he could. 

Killua slid down the length of the door frame, relaxing his muscles after hours of being tense and uncomfortable. Some small part of him had hoped Gon had returned to Whale island now, specifically, because he knew Killua would be here. The confirmation of the opposite had left him with a feeling of hollow disappointment, this was just a coincidence. Gon had not been looking for him. 

A soft knock at the door jolted him from his thoughts and he stood to open the door, half praying it was Gon and half praying it was literally anyone else. 

Alluka stood at the door wearing a look of pity on her porcelain face, “You should talk to him, you know.” Killua looked at her and tried to decide if he was relieved or disappointed. 

“He’s just as freaked out as you are right now, maybe even more so,” she continued. “Imagine you went home and suddenly saw him there, after all this time, living in your room and joking with mother. You’d be pretty surprised too.” 

Killua wasn’t sure he wanted to talk, he didn’t want Gon to tear open the floodgates he’d worked so hard to keep shut. 

Alluka huffed, “Do what you want, I guess, but you can’t keep going on like this, brother.” She turned and disappeared down the hall and Killua waited until he heard her door shut before deciding what to do. 

As she had been so many times since arriving, Alluka was right about the situation with Gon. Killua knew he was just as surprised to see Gon as Gon was to see him, but he also knew that neither of them really knew how to deal with it. When had Alluka become so all-knowing?

But he ached to talk to Gon, and it was an ache that he had felt in his bones since parting at the World Tree. He needed to know, what had he been doing all this time? Had he and his dad gone on any life-altering adventures? Had Gon met someone that made his heart flutter in the same way he once, _still_ , did to Killua?

Before he even knew what he was doing, Killua was padding down the stairs silently, cold sweat clinging to his palms. 

Killua strode past Gon, barely registering the boy scrambling to sit upright on the sofa as he tried to keep his composure and make it to the window before he changed his mind. He stood at the same place he had stood when Gon had arrived, worrying the edge of the linen curtains between his thumb and forefinger. 

“Hey, Killua,” Gon whispered, his voice far enough away that Killua knew he hadn’t moved from his seat on the couch. 

“What are you doing here?” Killua asked gruffly, slight venom dripping from his words. 

Gon took a breath, “I could ask you the same thing.” 

It occurred to Killua that, yes, Gon had made a fair point. But it didn’t stop him from crumpling the curtain in his hand in annoyance. 

“So?” he began, watching the fireflies through the window. “Alluka had never been to the island and I figured Mito was feeling a little lonely. So we came to keep her company for a while.” 

The _because you left_ hung heavy in the air.

“What’s your excuse? Your aunt had no idea you were coming,” Killua continued, counting the flashes of green.

“I was homesick,” Gon said simply. “I wanted to come home for a bit, so I did. I already apologized to Aunt Mito, so it’s fine now.”

Killua’s head snapped back to look at Gon, “What do you mean _it’s fine?_ ” He was seething. 

Nothing was fine. Gon had left Mito all alone to deal with an aging and dying Abe. He hadn’t returned when he heard that there had been an earthquake in the area, nor when he learned that there were dangerous pirates in the surrounding waters. 

Gon hadn’t so much as written her a letter or called her on the phone, and Killua knew all of this because he had experienced the same silence. Not that he had tried to reach out as Mito had or even stayed in the same place long to potentially receive a letter, but he knew. 

“Now I know Killua’s upset,” Gon said, his voice small, “but we can talk about this. We’re both here now and can talk about it.”

“Oh, so you want to talk now,” Killua whispered, looking at Gon from across the room. “What about all these years, Gon, since I saw you last? Why didn’t you try to talk to me then?”

Gon stood, “Killua needed his space! I hurt you and I knew that, how was I supposed to face you if I didn’t change?” He took a few steps toward there Killua stood. 

“I knew you needed to travel, you needed to help Alluka see the world. After I saw Ging, I went everywhere I knew you wouldn’t go and trained with everyone I knew you wouldn’t train with to get stronger. 

“We both needed to grow,” Gon said, now only a few steps from Killua’s shaking body. “I still do.” 

“And just what the hell is that supposed to mean?” Killua shouted, forgetting where they were, who could be listening. The moonlight that poured in from the window made Gon look pale and tired, nothing like the shining light that he had been only a few hours prior. 

“I wasn’t supposed to find Killua here today! I’m not ready to face you!” Gon looked like he wanted to reach forward, to close the distance between the two of them. Killua took two steps back. 

“So what, you stumble into the house and here I am and what, you’re just not going to deal with it?” Killua asked, trembling and realizing he was pulling on the curtains too tight. He let go and watched as the light fabric drifted down to the ground.

“Well it’s not like Killua was really going to speak to me,” Gon challenged, also watching the gauzy material fall. “Do you even want to talk about this?”

“No! Of course not!” Killua spat, upset with Gon and himself and the world. “I mean, no, I do. I think—” he pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know!” 

A silence fell between them, Gon searching Killua’s face for answers he didn’t have and Killua praying to whatever gods were listening for the strength to just stop _shaking._

“Sit with me,” Gon pleaded. “Just sit with me and we can talk this through. I’ve never been good with words, or listening, but I promise I’m going to try.” He reached a hand out for Killua to take, but watched instead as Killua pushed past him and sat on the edge of the couch. 

“Talk,” he said, staring between his knees at the intricate rug beneath his feet. So Gon talked. 

“That day at the World Tree was the hardest goodbye I’ve ever had to say in my life,” he said, lowering himself onto the cushion beside Killua. “And I couldn’t bring myself to look back at you or I wouldn’t be able to leave. 

“But I needed to find Ging and Alluka needed to find the world, and there was nothing I could do to change that. We had different goals then. Especially after everything I put you through leading up to that moment, it was kind of obvious we needed some time apart.” 

Killua let out a snort in spite of himself, he was surprised Gon had even picked up on that. He’d had his heart ripped right out of his chest by his best friend, Gon had said such horrible things to him, but he had pushed all that aside and sacrificed so much of himself to help Gon. In hindsight, had Killua stayed with him, he probably would have withered away, completely dependent on his friend for fulfillment. 

“Ging, of course, was an asshole. Just like Leorio said,” Gon said with a chuckle. Killua thought it strange to hear such a word come from Gon, but he figured that was just one of those things he didn’t recognize about him anymore. 

“I spent about as much time as I could bear with him after making it to the top of the World Tree before I realized he was just some childish dream that I’d spent too much of my life chasing, and that I hadn’t ever stopped to really consider the terrible things he’d done to me, or to Aunt Mito.

“So I left him, and it was entirely different from when I left Killua,” he said quietly, before laughing again. “I said, ‘You’re a shit father, Ging, and there’s nothing you can say or do to fix that!’ before I left, and I stormed off and almost walked right into a Spotted Lion Monkey’s den!”

Gon fell quiet for a moment, as if remembering that they weren’t fourteen anymore and that he wasn’t recounting a well-worn story about his days on the island. 

“Anyway, once I was alone again, I realized Killua was the only person I wanted to see, and I set off trying to find him. You’re actually really hard to find!” he admitted. “I finally caught up to you when you and Alluka stopped in Aigon to see the geysers, but I stopped myself every time I tried to approach you.” 

Aigon? But that had been four years ago. And how could Gon have been there and Killua not have sensed his presence?

Gon finally turned to look at Killua, who was now watching him intently.

“I had to acknowledge that what I did to you back in East Gorteau was selfish and weak and that if I wanted to be able to stay by your side, I needed to get stronger,” he said honestly. “I told myself I wouldn’t look for Killua again until I could prove to myself that I was different and was worthy of his trust again.”

Killua listened as Gon continued to recount his struggles as he trained and worked to become stronger. Gon had revisited all their past teachers and begged for their help, both physically and emotionally. Killua could see that Gon had done a lot of thinking, but so had he. 

“It was really an accident, me finding you here. There’s still so much I haven’t done and so much I was supposed to think about before we talked,” Gon said simply. “I don’t know when I would have tried to find you, but I guess I’m glad I already did.”

The moments slipped by as Killua tried to gather his thoughts, tried to put together any semblance of a complete sentence to say back. 

“Killua...?”

“You were my whole world,” Killua began, wringing his hands together in his lap. “When you told me it was none of my concern, that it couldn’t matter to me… That really hurt.” 

“I know, and that’s why—” Gon interjected. He was silenced by tired blue eyes. 

“And then you went and tried to kill yourself, so I fixed that. And then you left me behind again, and my heart felt like it went with you, and I fixed that too,” Killua said softly. “It took me so long to get over you, but I thought I had managed it.” 

Killua looked Gon in the eyes, irises burning with passion, “I won’t ever regret the time I’ve spent with Alluka, she taught me how to see the world from a different perspective. 

“But you’re not my whole world anymore, Gon,” he said meekly, glancing back down at his fingertips. “In the time we spent apart I learned how to be my own source of happiness, how to determine what is and isn’t important to me.

“And you still are. You are still one of the most important people in my life and I still love you so much more than you could ever know, but I just don’t think I need you the same way I used to.” Killua’s cheeks burned, he had said too much, but it was already out, hanging in the air between them. _I love you._

“But, Killua—”

“You know,” Killua said wryly, “you never actually apologized for what you said to me.” 

Gon’s eyes grew wide, “No, I swear I’m—” 

Killua smiled weakly, “I don’t want some half-assed apology from you. Come find me when you’re ready, I guess.” Gon looked confused. 

“Look, Alluka and I are getting on the first boat out of here, we’re not done seeing the world yet,” Killua said. “And now that you’re here, I know I can leave Mito and not have to worry about her being lonely. Find me again when you’ve done all the things you need to do and thought about all the things you need to think about.” 

Gon’s hands found themselves in Killua’s lap, palms being traced by cool, clammy fingers. 

“I guess we aren’t the same people we were when we were fourteen,” Gon said, watching as Killua’s fingers tangled with his own.

“And that’s okay,” Killua replied. “We can learn each other again. I can love you again.” 

Gon’s breath hitched and Killua squeezed his hands one last time before pushing himself off the couch. 

“I’m going to sleep, I’m going to need to be rested tomorrow if I’m going to convince Alluka to get on that ship,” Killua said softly, already starting back toward the stairs. 

“I can too,” Gon said abruptly, almost too quietly for Killua to hear. “I can too.” 

He didn’t need to say it, Killua’s heart already knew what Gon meant.

“I’ll wait for you, then.”  


* * *

Killua leaned against the railing of the ship, warmed by the sun on his shoulders and the heat radiating off the metal near his hands. 

Alluka looked upset, having had her island getaway cut short, but she watched the receding land with hopeful eyes. 

Killua had gotten up first thing in the morning to find Alluka had packed both their bags and had set them by the door, already saying her goodbyes by the time Killua had made it down the stairs with bleary eyes and drool stuck to his chin. 

He didn’t have to ask to know that both she and Mito had heard what had gone down the night before, and his heart swelled with love at the thought of his little sister gathering their belongings with complete understanding and compassion. There might have been a day where Nanika would have begged them to stay and for Killua to work out whatever issues he and Gon had, but he was proud to acknowledge that she and Alluka both had done a lot of growing up in their time together. So much so, that he was beginning to wonder who was traveling for the other’s sake. 

The morning had been cool, and Mito’s hug had been just as tight as the first when she whispered in his ear, “I am so proud of you, you can always come home here.” 

Gon had stood by the window with the sheer white curtains and watched with sad eyes, knowing what had to come next in order for them to both move forward. He awkwardly extended his hand out for Killua to shake, not knowing what was fully appropriate.

Killua took his hand warmly and held it tight, looking in Gon’s glassy eyes with unshed tears in his own. This needed to happen. 

He now turned to look at the island once more, almost swearing he could see spiky black hair at the end of the dock. 

“Where to now?” he asked his sisters, a fond smile on his lips. “The world is still our oyster.”

Alluka scrunched her nose as she thought, before smiling and saying, “I think it’s time you take me to meet your friends. Where does the doctor live?”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone! 
> 
> First, I'd like to thank you for making it all the way down here! You've just finished reading the first thing I've written since ye olden days when I used to write on fanfiction dot net in like 2012. Phew!
> 
> As it's my first time writing and publishing something in eeeeeons, please let me know what you thought! Tear it to shreds ;) Really though, I think I need to find the balance between slow and boring scene setting and that gorgeous amount of detail and thought other people seem to have nailed. 
> 
> Anyway, I've been reading a lot of hxh fanfiction lately, (please go check out Quintessence, peachiinari, DecemberCamie, and xyliane's work if you're living under a rock and haven't already), and was inspired to make something of my own. This fic was also based loosely on a work I found on [Tumblr](https://industrialplant.tumblr.com/post/186294053960/but-you-arent-my-entire-world-now-the-reunion), which is where I borrowed my favorite words Killua could ever say. 
> 
> I have a lot of feelings. Please feel free to find me on Tumblr to scream about them [@clood](https://clood.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thank you!!!!


End file.
